Sawdust and Glitter
by Jack E. Peace
Summary: After sleeping with Luke, Marissa knows that she's made a mistake. But she knows that it's better not to let anyone else know just how badly she's hurting. (bad summary)


Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. This story was inspired by the song "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester (though the version I'm listening to is sung by Diana DeGarmo)

A/N: So, I've been getting a lot of requests lately for Ryan and Marissa action and it seems that I can't fit enough of it into my story "Hero", so I thought I'd write a short fic about them. However, this story is mainly about Marissa, but Ryan is involved. This fic is set at the end of "The Girlfriend." Please review and let me know what you think.

"You're too late." Marissa Cooper had to turn away and hurry into her house as soon as she had spoken those words to Ryan Atwood, her eyes so filled with tears that she could barely find the doorknob. She didn't want him to see her cry, she didn't want anyone to see her cry but, more importantly, she didn't want _him _to see her cry.

The door slam was loud and Marissa hoped that it hadn't woken her sleeping parents; she wasn't in the mood for a heart-to-heart talk right now. She blinked her tears away, hating herself when more took their place and she sniffed, physically wiping away her tears with her fingers, leaning against the shut door. Marissa knew that Ryan was still standing outside, staring at the slammed door, as though he was waiting for her to pop back out and let him give her apology. She didn't want his apology, she couldn't handle hearing his voice as he told her that it was she that he loved.

Marissa took a deep breath, attempting to get herself under control, to banish those hateful tears that trickled down her cheeks, and held it, listening to the silence of the house. It didn't seem as though anyone had woken, which was good; she could make it upstairs and into her room without being bothered. More then anything, she wanted to flop upon her bed and try to sleep, pretending for a few hours at least that none of what had happened had.

Sniffing once more, wiping away several more tears, Marissa tossed her shoes aside and dropped her purse on top of them. She'd deal with that stuff in the morning, making sure her shoes were orderly was the least of her worries right now. Wearily, her body sore and tired, she mounted the staircase and took the winding stairs up to the second story, trudging toward her bedroom.

Jimmy and Julie's bedroom door was shut and Marissa didn't give it a second glance as she walked down the carpeted hallway, her bare feet making no noise. However, her sister's door was open, as Caitlin still liked to leave the hall light on and she paused, peering into her little sister's bedroom. Caitlin was asleep peacefully, her hair falling across her face, framing it delicately, her hands clasped beneath her chin. Marissa watched her sister for a while, wishing to be innocently sleeping once again, nothing to keep her up at night, not a care to break her heart.

But Marissa knew that she could never be that innocent anymore, her heart was already broken. She left Caitlin's doorway then, walking into her own bedroom and quietly easing the door shut behind her. She flicked on the light and sighed once again, refusing to let her eyes roam the familiar objects in her room, namely the pictures of her and Luke together and the pictures she and Ryan had taken in a photo booth down by the bay when they and Seth had been moving Ryan secretly into one of Kirsten Cohen's unfinished model homes.

It was no use and her eyes found them anyway, framed and perfect upon her dresser. With a cry of frustration, Marissa grabbed the frame holding the picture of her and Ryan, making stupid faces for the camera and flung it against the wall. The glass shattered and the picture floated free, landing on the ground amidst the shattered glass and useless frame. She picked up a photo of her and Luke at some school dance and tossed it into her closet, not feeling any better when she heard the glass shatter.

Marissa took a deep breath and wrapped her fingers together, trying to stop them from shaking; she knew that throwing the frames had been stupid, because her parents would have surely heard the noise, but she didn't want to see the smiling faces of the boys that said they loved her anymore. She didn't want to see the smiling girl beside them because she knew that girl wasn't her anymore and she didn't want to see the person she once was and could have been.

Marissa was still standing by her dresser, attempting to calm her shaking hands and still her breathing when her bedroom door swung open, revealing a very tired looking Julie Cooper. She squinted her eyes as she studied her daughter. "Marissa? Are you all right? What happened?" Her words were sluggish with sleep.

"Nothing." Marissa answered shortly. "I'm fine." She looked at her mother. "I just accidentally broke some of my picture frames."

Julie studied her daughter for a moment, seeing her tear-stained cheeks at her wide eyes that would shed more tears shortly. However, she only sighed, too tired to deal with her daughter's trauma until the morning. "Clean up the glass, honey, before you cut yourself." She instructed before ducking out of the room and closing the door behind her.

Marissa watched the empty foyer for a moment, trying to figure out if her mother had purposefully ignored the pained look that she knew she had on her face. Another tear slipped free, dropping onto her cheek as she turned away from the door, heading over to where the first frame had broken, switching on the radio as she went. An old song was playing, one she didn't recognize but she didn't bother to change the station as she knelt and started to pick up the large fragments of glass.

"_-you fall, remember you almost had it all._" The melancholy voice of the female singer came from the speakers of her radio.

Marissa sighed. What a song to fit her mood. _Music to slit your wrists to, _she thought wryly as she dumped the big shards of glass into her trashcan.

_"Baby saw that when they pulled that big top down, they left behind her dreams among the litter. And the different kind of love she thought she found, there was nothing left but sawdust and some glitter._" The song continued. _"Baby can't be broken, because she had the finest teacher, that was me. I told her: don't cry out loud. Just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings._"

Marissa looked up from her trashcan, studying her radio as though it had the answer to all of her problems. The words to the song were something that her mother would have said: don't cry out loud, don't let anyone know how badly that you're hurting. It seemed, for Julie Cooper at least, that approach made living a little easier.

Well, there was her answer then, she wouldn't cry anymore, she wouldn't tell Summer what had happened, she wouldn't let anyone know that her heart was in as many pieces as the glass at her feet. Marissa picked up the tiny pieces of glass, the pieces that could never be put back together and looked at them, barely able to see her reflection, which was broken into too many pieces. Well, that was how she felt anyway, broken into tiny pieces. She discarded the glass, unwilling to see her pained expression anymore.

Marissa lifted her head, gazing out her window, realizing, not for the first time, that she could see directly into the Cohen's pool house. She could see Ryan, laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, looking almost as sorrowful as she felt.

Seeing Ryan caused tears to fill Marissa's eyes again and she quickly looked away, hating herself for the way the sight of him tore her heart into even more pieces. She blinked her tears away quickly, reminding herself of the words of the song. She wasn't going to cry anymore, she wasn't going to let anyone know what she was really feeling.

_Don't cry out loud, just keep it inside and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud and if you should fall, remember you almost had it all. _The song seemed to be reminding her as well.

Marissa sighed, she could hide her feelings, she could stop her tears. She was used to pretending, she was used to trying to pick her dreams and feelings out of the sawdust and glitter.

But somehow, even though she had been doing it all her life, hiding her feelings never got any easier.


End file.
